Why do I still feel behind... when I don't even want that life?

Sometimes a voice in my head whispers:

"You're 35. You should have more."

More money. A career. A house. Stability.

The strange part?

I'm not even sure I want those things.

A few years ago, I seriously considered buying a house. I visited apartments, imagined living there, and everything seemed to make sense. Stable job. Nine years in Lisbon. It felt like the logical next step.

Then another question appeared:

Do I actually want this... or is it simply what comes next?

When I spoke to the bank and saw the reality of a 35-year mortgage, something inside me tightened. I wasn't afraid of not owning a house.

I was afraid of losing my freedom.

So I let the idea go.

For a while, I felt relieved.

Then another voice showed up:

"You're still renting. Look at everyone else."

That's when I realised something important.

Maybe I didn't want a house.

Maybe I wanted what owning a house seemed to say about the person who owned it: successful, responsible, someone who had figured life out.

And that made me ask a different question:

Is buying a house the only way to feel accepted, recognised or secure?

Probably not.

Owning a house is one strategy. Society celebrates it a lot, but it's still only one strategy.

When I stopped asking "What should I achieve next?" and started asking "What kind of life aligns with my values?", everything changed.

I still compare myself sometimes. I still have moments when I feel behind.

But now I ask myself:

Behind according to whose map?

Maybe I'm not climbing the wrong mountain.

Maybe I'm climbing a different one.

And if you've been feeling behind lately, I'd invite you to ask yourself one question:

Do I really want that thing... or do I want what I imagine it would give me?

Sometimes the life we're chasing isn't what we truly want.

It's just the strategy we've been taught to follow.