The Method
The Three Chair Model by John Kinyon
The Three Chair Model by John Kinyon
Marshall Rosenberg
Creator of Nonviolent Communication
Is there a situation you keep going around and around in your head, or the same argument that keeps coming back? Conflict mediation focuses on one specific situation you are living right now, and on solutions for your future. It can be an inner conflict (a decision you can’t make, self-judgment, low self-worth) or an outer one (a recurring tension with a partner, family, friends or colleagues).
The method
I work with the Three Chairs model, developed by John Kinyon, an expert in conflict mediation who uses a specific technique called Nonviolent Communication:
Chair 1: You, with your struggle. This is where we start. You tell me what’s happening, and what you feel and need, in your own words and at your own pace. Nothing is wrong here.
Chair 2: The other side. This can be another person (your partner, a colleague, a parent) or another part of yourself (the part that feels guilty, or the one that wants to act). We listen to this side too, with curiosity, including its feelings and needs.
Chair 3: The Self. This is a place of pure understanding and listening, where there is no space for judgment. When you give enough empathy to yourself and to the other side, you can sit here. From this chair you can look at the situation from a new perspective and make decisions based on your real needs and emotions, rather than on judgments and beliefs that block you.
My part: I sit in the third chair for the whole session. I listen from there, without judgment, and gently guide you towards it, so you can feel what it’s like to be there for yourself.
What makes it different
Here we work on one specific situation and focus on solutions for the future. In every session we look at it from two sides: inside (what you feel and need) and between you and the other person (how you relate to each other in the conflict).
You are always in charge. I suggest the paths I find most fitting, but you choose what you want to work on and in which direction.
What a session can include
One-to-one 90-minute coaching to understand your emotions and needs more deeply, and to express them so conversations become less conflictual
Learning to say no and to accept a no, to set boundaries, and to express what is going on for you without feeding the conflict. And when you feel triggered, learning to recognize it and put it into words
Listening to the two parts of you that pull in different directions (for example, guilt and the desire to act)
Role play to rehearse difficult conversations
Optional: connection with your body and short meditations. They are never mandatory, and only if you feel comfortable
What we nurture
A state of understanding, awareness, empathy and love for yourself, so that judgment towards yourself and others can soften and you can look at the conflict from a new place.
Results
Many clients notice a shift after about 3 sessions: they become more aware when the same discussion comes back with others or with themselves, and able to react differently.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication is an empathetic way of talking to ourselves and others that doesn’t feed judgment, blame and attacks. It starts from the willingness to negotiate as equals, recognizing that both sides have their own story, emotions and needs, and that each side is responsible for its own. With empathy and compassion, communication becomes warmer, clearer and more connecting, and fights turn into conversations where mutual understanding is the goal.
Is it therapy?
No. We work with the present and with what you can do next.
How to start
Try a full 90-minute session for 25€ (half price) to feel the method straight away, or book a free 30-minute intro call.